Draft: I got the idea for this post from Honest Trailers, which makes humorous trailers for popular movies.

Instagram

We try our best to make you feel like a celebrity, even though you know you’re not. Every process, from posting photos, app color schemes, notifications, and everything else, is designed to make you feel valuable. Whether you had a heavy seafood lunch between lunch and dinner, went to a café, drove somewhere, or did anything else, it all matters.

Twitter

Got an idea to mock something or comment on a topic you haven’t even read a sentence about? This is your place. Here, you completely feel like an expert. That you worked hard today and are tired also matters. Is a terrible song playing in the taxi? Is it hot outside? Surely, a thousand and two hundred of your followers, which you know only 10% are actually active, care about these things. Tweet. Tweet.

Facebook

We connect everyone in the world. Our processes during signup and beyond ensure that from birth to death, your information is at our disposal. What we do with it doesn’t matter. (Now, since you insist, for example, we might determine the next U.S. president.) All our dozens of psychologists, educated at the world’s best universities, have the same goal: making users addicted to the service. Connecting all people in the world. Filterer: don’t go in, you too.