Preface: The previous version of this post was written during a mentally tense moment, and neither its tone nor its message was right. I disabled it to later rewrite it in peace. This is the rewritten version.

For me, gaining control over my thoughts and assembling them into a coherent piece is so challenging and exhausting that succeeding in it is worth more than [something extremely valuable] and triggers all kinds of pleasure hormones in my brain and beyond. Let alone solving a concept as large as a framework, a problem that has occupied me since I was 15, without the slightest progress in mastery or even understanding.

Think of a framework as glue that holds the pieces of your life together and prevents them from falling apart. It means understanding why you are here. It means when you wake up in the morning, you know why you got up and what you are going to do until night, and you have the energy and motivation to do it.

Let’s consider having a framework as being tame, not having a framework as being wild, and the journey between the two as an animal that has lived its whole life domesticated in a house, now entering the forest/nature, trying to survive without the support of that framework, and aiming to create a framework for life without a framework.

Maybe the difference between being tame and wild is not understandable for someone who has always lived in only one of these states. Unfortunately, there’s no workaround, you need to have experienced both to some extent.

I’ve lived more than half my life (at the time of writing) under a framework, and lacking one is like a massive cloud casting a shadow over my entire life. Like a dog that, on its first day of freedom, doesn’t know how to find food, let alone enjoy peace. Whether living with my family, returning home after work to my tiny apartment (I mean it) in Istanbul saying "WTF" while opening the door, or now coming back to a slightly bigger place and saying "Meh" while opening the door.

I’ve tried to go wild twice. After realizing I wasn’t tame, I pushed myself toward wildness and tried to escape the limbo between the two. I attempted to find peace in the absence of a framework twice, first during military service, then during the shaky initial steps of migration, and both times I returned to the fear and anxiety caused by lacking a framework. Now, for the third time, these days, I’m trying again to achieve this "peace in the absence of a framework."

Being wild is like leaving the first layer and safe zone of life. Wildness has many layers, just like the movie Inception. People who want to go wild potentially have the ability to descend below that safe first layer. The number of layers is unlimited, and their instability directly correlates with how deep you go. Like Descartes, who went down to the deepest layer he thought existed and said, "I think, therefore I am." He laid a foundation at a basic layer and came back up. So becoming wild requires placing that foundation somewhere. Today we know Descartes may have been wrong, and thinking isn’t proof of existence. It’s your choice where to lay that foundation, but obviously, defining a framework requires that foundation to be in place, somewhere you consider the edge of possibility.

Now, what happens if you can’t reach the edge of possibility? Where do you place the foundation? On what basis do you define the framework? Is it possible to form a suspended framework without a foundation? Can you live without fear and anxiety without forming a framework at all?

(to be continued)