Which of these lives would you prefer? A freelancer who, without being tied to a place or time, freely travels the world, works productively while having endless free time, reads books, and enjoys life? Or a manager who looks extremely successful from the outside but is caught up in the stress and challenges of running a billion-dollar company day and night?

If your answer is the second option, this post isn’t for you. You can move on to the next one. But if the first option excites you, keep reading.

I really like instrumental music because I can imagine my own story for the piece instead of following the narrative the singer is trying to convey. This stunning performance of Yanni’s “Until the Last Moment” is no exception. Up until 3:54, you can feel life and its challenges (thesis). After that, the tragedy begins (antithesis), like any devastating event in life that in most cases robs you of the strength to rise again, leaving you only waiting for death. But in this piece, at 5:04, something else happens: the person rises and, with a new sense of self, tries to start again (synthesis). A mix of hope and despair, the sadness of failure, and the joy of a new beginning can be felt from this moment on. I call it reconciliation with oneself.

I’ve realized for some time now that everything I initiate myself brings me a strange, unique joy. A café I’ve discovered, a song or a band I’ve come across, anything I do not for others, but for myself. Even the smallest things, like walking. It’s as if there’s a “me” inside of me that seeks respect, and whenever I give that inner self such respect, it rewards me greatly, with self-esteem and a sense of well-being. That’s the reward of reconciling with oneself.

Reconciliation with oneself requires self-respect. Self-respect is the beginning of self-confidence, and self-confidence is the beginning of rising again. Respecting yourself starts with moving on and letting go, and continues with learning not to want. Self-respect is like a newborn that needs constant care, otherwise, it robs you of the ability to enjoy life. It’s not just about the present either: you can’t respect yourself if you ignore your future self and throw it into the abyss for the sake of your current self. Self-respect also includes respect for your past self. You can’t truly respect yourself if you don’t forgive your past mistakes or if you keep holding onto the injustices done to your former self. In other words, if something is upsetting, be upset. If something makes you angry, be angry. If anyone, no matter who, doesn’t respect you as you believe you deserve, cut them out. This is what I call making peace with yourself.

Once you’ve made peace with yourself, plan your life. Try to live positively. Cherish every day you’re alive. Think about the positive results of what you do and even dream about them. Push forward the things you’re sure won’t be stopped by unsolvable obstacles, and when possible, commit to them. Accept that the big motivation you’re waiting for to get you moving doesn’t exist, and never will. The world doesn’t work that way. But something like motivation is created through taking small steps, and through those steps, it grows, just like a snowball rolling down a mountain, getting bigger and bigger.

Laziness or lack of energy isn’t a personality trait. It comes from neglecting yourself and your needs. Like a child who sulks because they didn’t get what they wanted, sitting down and refusing to get up. The solution is nothing but making peace with yourself. Maybe that reconciliation will lead you to a place where, like Aydin in the church basement, you create thirty frames a day, read books and newspapers, and wait for the evening when Sermelina arrives to open Puteshka. Or maybe it will take you to the mountains of Ukraine to work as a farmer. Wherever it takes you, the important thing is that you change yourself, otherwise, you’ll slowly begin to die.

Currently listening to Green-Eyed Taxi

Related:
- A Framework for Living Without a Framework