The days pass like lightning and wind, and I am bewildered, struggling to break free from the habit of waiting. The habit of expecting the current “thing” to end. I have spent a lifetime waiting and being promised that once this critical situation passes, I will live. But this so-called critical situation never ends. School ends, I’ll be fine. University, I’ll be fine. Military service, I’ll be fine. My passport arrives, I’ll be fine. Leaving Iran, I’ll be fine. My visa comes, I’ll be fine. All of these events happened, yet I am not fine. I remain uneasy and waiting. The difference is that now I no longer know what I am waiting for. It seems that only an internal habit and addiction has formed, using the expectation of the current “thing” ending as an excuse not to live in the present.

The Azerbaijani calendar differs slightly from the solar calendar, roughly equivalent to the Gregorian calendar, but with different month names. March, in the Turkish designation, is called “Bayram Ayı,” the month of the holiday. It corresponds roughly to the last 20 days of Esfand and the first 10 days of Farvardin. The atmosphere of this month contrasts with the previous (cold) months. The weather has warmed a bit, and the sun teases after months. I don’t know why spring, with all its beauty, brings me sorrow. I do know why, but I don’t admit it. My current state feels like holding a pot of boiling water above my head, burning me with the slightest movement.

My friend believes the situation I’m in is excellent, that I’ve acquired it for free, and that I have no idea what other migration experiences are like. I recounted this post literally and said that in order to gain this opportunity for free, I’ve missed ten years of enjoyment and pleasure, in other words, I haven’t truly lived.

Last Friday, for the first time since migrating, I went to the mountains. Just like the mountains I used to visit during the exhausting days after military service. Midday, not morning. Alone, not with a group. Tired, not energetic. Nostalgic, not happy. Everywhere was covered in graffiti left by people like me. One piece drew my attention most:

I even see the traffic officer like you. Are you satisfied?

I wish I could return to Tabriz for the holiday to be with my family, but there’s no chance. Travel costs are beyond my current budget, and combining leave and holiday days to stay at least a week is impossible. Perhaps if I were in Istanbul, it would be easier, but more than 48 hours are wasted traveling back and forth. There’s no direct flight from Ankara to Iran, damn it.

At the beginning of the post, I mentioned how expectations frustrate me. One example is this. I spent a lifetime waiting for military leave to see my family, and now I wait for Turkish calendar holidays. My mother says my situation is worse: she endured stress over my father’s service, then over mine. She suffered years of longing for my father, and now it’s unclear how many years of longing for me she must endure. This damned waiting seems ingrained in us.

I want to change things, but I don’t know what. Evidence suggests that depression has returned to linger if time and space allow. I am trying everything to avoid returning to those days, but behind every door I try, a huge obstacle waits.

Recently, I listened to an episode of a podcast that frightened me. The similarity between the character’s situation and my reality, the mix of philosophy, illusion, and “things like that” with real life and its consequences. To prevent what my current state might lead to, I decided to take it easy for a while.

Maybe I’ll organize a small trip this weekend. Although traveling alone is frustrating. Presumably, Rumi was in a similar state when he said:

.Sen Zehri Şeker, Şekeri Zehrediyorsun.. Etme

Among the posts I plan to complete and publish, two are major. That is, if someone has reached their conclusions and can write them out in text and publish, they shouldn’t write posts like this anymore. This is why publishing those posts has been delayed. I’d rather not act on the theories in those major posts and keep struggling in the current swamp of mental and non-mental tensions. Humans are such useless creatures.